The world’s most aggravating tap

A while ago I realised that the reason the back courtyard was always damp and full of puddles wasn’t that it was a wet winter, it was because the hose tap has a rapid drip. So I went out and bought a mixed pack of washers, and Lovely Husband (LH) looked up some tap-fixing tutorials on youtube.

Problem one: Where is the mains connection??

The first step in fixing a tap is turning off the water supply, via the mains connection on or near the street. So we looked on the street. We looked on the footpath. We looked every damn where and couldn’t find it. We called the plumber, who said it was on the gravel path that goes from our neighbour’s front gate to the footpath.

Under here, somewhere.

Neighbour was not home, so we poked around for a while, hoping that she wouldn’t suddenly come home and ask what we were doing to her path. Still couldn’t find mains connection. A week later, after we’ve knocked on her door about five different times, neighbour comes back from holiday.

“Um, apparently our mains water connection is somewhere under your path.”

“Oh, is it this?”

She literally brushed away some gravel right next to her (and nowhere near where we’d been looking) with her foot, and there it was. So LH got down and turned off the water while the neighbour’s eight year old son, two of his friends, and a cat looked on in fascination.

Problem two: Tap will not move, except in the wrong sort of way

Step two of fixing a tap is to get a wrench and take the top bit off. LH strained until his head practically exploded, but it would not move. Except that it came off the wall. It was attached with screws, with the inlet pipe sticking out the side and going round the corner. Now it is not, because the screws were rusted through.

Okay, I said, let’s just get a new tap. We just need one that attaches to the wall but the inlet socket goes to the right.

Like this.

Problem three: Turns out that’s not a thing

I went to a hardware store and two plumbing supply stores and no one had what I was looking for. One of the plumbing supply places had no idea what I was even talking about.

Went home. Took a proper look at the tap. Turns out it’s two pieces: top bit is standard hose tap, bottom bit attaches to the wall and has inlet socket to the right.

Two pieces are just as unmoveable as the bit we originally tried to remove. Made plans to go back to hardware store.

Problem four: Thing does not attach to other thing

I got to the hardware store after a day out with friends, and so forgot to check what the connection point looked like before I left the house. Came back with tap which screws to the wall, and corner bit which screws into pipes rather than over them.

Back to hardware store, for the third time, to get what turns out to be called a male hex nipple. Heheh, nipple.

A male hex nipple, which should result in people being annoyed at their search engine.

Problem five: Thing points in wrong direction

Get home with nipple, attach tap and corner bit together. Inlet bit points in completely wrong direction. Could have worked this out before going out. Possibly could have worked it out in shop. Swear.

Damn you, tap!

Work out temporary solution of capping pipe, so no dripping tap because no tap.

Sigh. At least the courtyard is drying out…